awwww this made me cry when i read it. its pretty and touching. my best friend wrote it.... yay for depressed emo people.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


I was hoping that this insanity of lying six feet down was just a dream

I was praying that it wasn’t real

I was just thinking,

I didn’t mean to slit my throat

But the blades just weren’t enough

To overcome all the pain



You have to understand, every night I cried

Every night leading up to this

I barely lived through each day

It’s a miracle I made it as far as I did

I’m just feel bad you had to see me like this



I feel bad this is your memory of me

That I had to give up

It was selfish, I know that now

A little too late I guess

I never thought it would end up this way

This time, I didn’t think



I’m sorry, I couldn’t handle it anymore

Please don’t shed your tears on me

Don’t waste those drops of blood on me

Don’t think of me with a hateful grimace

Try to remember those little times of goodness

And I have to regret that those times were an act too

But you don’t know that

You won’t ever know that now



Please don’t take this personally

I’d be back if I could

Or would I go back to the life of lies?

Decisions made now, time cannot change

Please don’t decide your fate to be the same

More pain lies from sitting on this side



Now I can see what I have done to everyone

Now I cannot live with pain, its done and over, forever

I’m not quite sure if this is heaven or hell,

Seeing you all cry is hell in itself

I could have called you right?

You would have answered you phones?

Why couldn’t you have answered last night?

I wasn’t strong enough, and you weren’t there.

Now you are here though.

Too late.
Posted 6/8/2005 at 12:45 PM

ya know what would be nice? if i had saved that convo with caleb about why i should not start cutting. it seems i neglected to save it. this is a bad thing. if anyone has insight on this matter, please contact me immediately.

its funny, im not used to depression during the summer. mostly its during the first months of the calendar year. hmm. weird.

Wow. You changed! What is this happiness? Yay, Ashleigh! I'm glad to hear you are so... excited about life now. That was a great talk, even Pete listened. I was reading your additions to Rach's quotes, and it's so amazing how different your tone is, how hopeful. That's how I felt in, oh, June. The beginning of June. During final exams, which I took alone in the guidance office cuz I was taking classes at the community college in the mornings. Everything was changing. School out for three precious months... I used to love school, hate the boredom of summer. But, this year, how AWESOME, how fantastic and inspiring summer was. I was always running, running, never stopping, wide open fields, warm sunshine, the best friends in the world, and we never ran out of things to talk about. I wasn't running from anything, just to it - life, love, joy, God! That was life, that was being alive after the depression, the suicidal thoughts that ruled me from late January to the end of May, increasing each day, never lightening. I lived for nothing but art class, as weird as it sounds, where I could work without thinking, talk to my fellow depressed, anti-Catholic, sometimes Wiccan friend Cailin. I lived to see her. If she hadn't been at MdS, if she had died, if scheduling of classes had put her in a different period of art than I had, would I be here now? Will I be here by this time next year? I fell deeper and deeper into depression and darkness and death once, I can feel it now, and it's not bad yet. I am not thinking about suicide yet, but who knows how long? God knows. They say it's so hard to live a Christian life, but anything is easy when it becomes a habit. I've spent more than 21 days praying to God constantly, it comes so easily, so instinctively. It's not even a curse when I cry "God!" It's become a prayer without blaming Him, just a call for help. I don't even know what I believe anymore, but can converse about my faith and religion so easily. I'm rambling, but you know how I feel, you know the pain the hurt the death! I'm screaming inside, I'm crying as I type this, God! Why?!? I told my mom again last night, I'm dying inside, since school started I can't live, it's getting worse and worse and worse I'm dying! No one will help! God! The only people who believe me are my peers, my friends, no adult I have talked to recently or during the late winter/early spring believed a word I said to them about depression. Yea, I know, you can't diagnose yourself, but I can tell a bad thing when I see it and this is it. Am I living this lie so well? It's habit, I swear I'm not trying! I gave up trying a long time ago. I NEED HELP! Can't anyone see? Why don't they believe me? You know how much I hurt inside, apparently so do many high-schoolers, based on the reactions last night. What do I do? Where do I turn? I can't live with you all, I have to exist with people with can't see the real me. Stephanie. To me, that name seems so artificial. It shows none of the darkness I feel inside. This house is dead too. Why do I have to stay here and spend time with my family instead of hanging out, having fun with by buds you, Catherine, Andrew, Matt. No one talks to eash other in any meaningful way, the only conversations are pointless and meaningless and noise! Are all the other people content? Are they truly oblivious to my pain, to the torment, are they truly happy to exist in this state of suspension, between life and death, this hell! I say hell but it can't be hell. This is the pain of purgatory. Between life and death! Andrew can philosophically explain the logic of purgatory so eaasily, so quickly I can agree that it fits my own beliefs but what beliefs? I can memorize as well, better than any person on the street, who can say what I truly believe? Purgatory, the cleansing, the purifying, must be hell to tose who wait there. This is how it feels. That awful, painful, hideously excruciately lost lonely depressingly isolated mediocrisy, that lukewarmness, that aaaaah! Not oblivion, I would welcome oblivions with rapture. I would die NOW if oblivion came after. God! I'm dying! I don't know where to turn, who to believe! Will it pass, am I okay, is this week better as they all tell me? It passed once, will it pass again? Can I be that strong? Why? Help! Ashleigh! Tell me something to keep me with that hope you found last night! I'm sorry, I 'm putting such a huge burden on you so soon after you freed yourself, but PRAY! I don't know much anymore, but I know God exists and knows everything, and hears prayers. I don't care who you tell, this is my life I keep trying to let it out but no one will accept it. God help me! Look at my signature on the email, even. How artificial, meaningless, how painful, how happy! God! Ashleigh! Help!
--
Experience the Revelations... OLPH Youth Group!
~Stephanie

Help... I'm dying and no one can see. Drugs, drugs...

WHEEEEEE!!!!! OUT OF SCHOOL!!!!! Except that haven't been able to sleep in or relax or anything, and I won't be able to until the third week of august.... and by that time school will be starting again!!! Why must my life be so busy that to others I seem to have a social life?!? Ha ha, just kidding, no social life here. Just lots of casual acquaintances and planning teams and committees and projects to no end. Ah well. I guess I should find me some art and post it here. soon. when I find time. or not.